The Reality of a Bad Day
Thursday I woke up feeling unusually low. My pain had been worsening as the week was going on and the realisation that my consultant may have been right, and that my pain was in fact due to the Adenomyosis and not the Endometriosis, meaning the operation wasn't going to provide me with the relief I was praying for, was starting to sink in. I had an early orthodontist appointment so knew I needed to get up. It was a struggle. The pain in my tummy was intense and I felt nauseous with it. I needed to leave at around 8.30am, and I was still sitting at home at 8.45am wondering how I was going to make my appointment in 25 minutes. I was so close to giving in and calling up to cancel. My body wasn't going to be my friend and with my mindset, I certainly didn't feel like I had the fight in me to go to battle with it. Luckily my stubbornness took over and told me to get my arse in the car and to the appointment. Fortunately the traffic was on my side and I made it with a minute to spare. However, instead of feeling good about my small win, I felt defeated and whilst I sat in the waiting room, I felt like I could cry. Why is this happening to me? Is this going to be my life? Every day proving a battle to do the small things. How could I carry on like that?
I had my appointment and got back to the safety of my car. I needed to talk to someone so I called my parents. Dad picked up and I instantly said "I'm having an I can't keep doing this kind of day". In my lovely Dads way, he told me I absolutely could do it and to drive over to their house. I accepted. I didn't want to be on my own. I needed help to get out of this horrible place I was in. And so it was to be, we said our goodbyes and I headed off. As I drove down the road, I was holding back the tears. After all driving whilst crying is not a good idea! But I was in utter despair for myself. I was in pain and truly didn't know how I was going to keep living my life in that way. The simplest of tasks are becoming more of a challenge, I should be able to do them with ease, not struggle to leave the house. But then the other side of my brain kept saying, you have just been to an appointment whereby you are lucky enough to afford to be vain and straighten your teeth. Not many people can do that. Not only that, but you are driving to and from said appointment in your top of the range sports car. That once again not everyone has the luxury of. And in that moment, I felt like the most ungrateful person in the world. I was overridden with guilt for feeling so sorry for myself. And yet, I couldn't feel anything but extreme sadness for my situation either. In that moment, I was in a huge emotional battle with myself.
The bad days can really creep up on you. And completely out of the blue too. I had been having such a lovely week meeting up with friends and catching up with those who I haven't seen since before my surgery. I actually made it out the most this week since November. But instead of being able to enjoy that, for whatever reason, I have been in some horrible rut feeling extremely low. Sometimes its hard to see through the dark hard times. I find myself wondering how I will cope dealing with this disease for the rest of my life, I'm only 27 after all. Some days I can't see how I will, but then other days I absolutely know I will. I know this disease has changed me, for the better and for the worse. But its continuing to make me learn about myself and adapt to the challenges that I face. And yes that can feel like an uphill struggle at times but you've got to keep going because there will always be better days that make it worth it.
I am a positive person but even I can't fight all the bad days. Some days they win too.
A x
I had my appointment and got back to the safety of my car. I needed to talk to someone so I called my parents. Dad picked up and I instantly said "I'm having an I can't keep doing this kind of day". In my lovely Dads way, he told me I absolutely could do it and to drive over to their house. I accepted. I didn't want to be on my own. I needed help to get out of this horrible place I was in. And so it was to be, we said our goodbyes and I headed off. As I drove down the road, I was holding back the tears. After all driving whilst crying is not a good idea! But I was in utter despair for myself. I was in pain and truly didn't know how I was going to keep living my life in that way. The simplest of tasks are becoming more of a challenge, I should be able to do them with ease, not struggle to leave the house. But then the other side of my brain kept saying, you have just been to an appointment whereby you are lucky enough to afford to be vain and straighten your teeth. Not many people can do that. Not only that, but you are driving to and from said appointment in your top of the range sports car. That once again not everyone has the luxury of. And in that moment, I felt like the most ungrateful person in the world. I was overridden with guilt for feeling so sorry for myself. And yet, I couldn't feel anything but extreme sadness for my situation either. In that moment, I was in a huge emotional battle with myself.
The bad days can really creep up on you. And completely out of the blue too. I had been having such a lovely week meeting up with friends and catching up with those who I haven't seen since before my surgery. I actually made it out the most this week since November. But instead of being able to enjoy that, for whatever reason, I have been in some horrible rut feeling extremely low. Sometimes its hard to see through the dark hard times. I find myself wondering how I will cope dealing with this disease for the rest of my life, I'm only 27 after all. Some days I can't see how I will, but then other days I absolutely know I will. I know this disease has changed me, for the better and for the worse. But its continuing to make me learn about myself and adapt to the challenges that I face. And yes that can feel like an uphill struggle at times but you've got to keep going because there will always be better days that make it worth it.
I am a positive person but even I can't fight all the bad days. Some days they win too.
A x
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