Dear Endometriosis

I've never been very good at talking about my feelings, especially face to face. I can't find the words. I get flustered. And my emotions take over. But luckily I can write them down instead so here goes...

I've had a bad few days. I've been massively frustrated with my situation. That includes my body, my mindset, people, work, the lot! I've let anger take over and at times its been misdirected. I've been so upset and annoyed that I've lost myself. I've hated the world and I've hated people too. Its bought me to tears and I've allowed it to consume me. I've let my own insecurities and worries take over. I've let myself believe the worst of people, people who I call my friends. And none of that is okay.

I've been determined from day one that Endo/Adeno wouldn't dictate my life, but I'm seeing that it does more and more. And even more frustratingly, its completely out of my control. When you are someone who is extremely motivated and driven like I am, its a bitter pill to swallow. Since finding out that I can't have children, I have thrown myself into my career. Its what I use as a distraction. One that I can make something out of. But yesterday was the first time that someone has told me I can't do something at work due to my situation. And the reason was because I'm still having to take it easy with reduced hours as part of my recovery.

Its silly really. But part of the reason it hit a nerve was because it was related to my health. To me, it was another instance of my body stopping me from doing something. It seems small and to those who don't live with a chronic disease, it can be hard to understand. Every day I tell myself I can do whatever I want, but there are a good number of those days that I am wrong. Thats hard enough for me to accept. But when someone else is telling you, you can't do something, its even harder. It wasn't personal and yet thats how I took it. I needed someone to blame and I let my emotions get in the way of the facts. I know its better for me. I know its for my health. And dammit I know deep down its because people care. But you have to understand, it dictates my life way more than I had ever imagined.

Its not just that but unfortunately there are people out there who can and will use it against you. I know I'm lucky that most people support me but I don't ever want someone to use my illness against me. Or even worse, use it as a reason for me to miss out on opportunities at work. I don't want to be seen as unreliable. I may not be able to promise 100% that I can be somewhere at a particular date or time. But what I can promise is that I will try my absolute darn hardest to be there. There is a difference and I can only hope people remember that.

It hasn't been my best few days and for those around me I'm sorry. I don't expect people to know or understand how I'm feeling. And I know I can be hard to deal with at times. But I hope you'll stick by me, even on my bad days.

A x


Ps. below is a post I started to write yesterday. Its a letter to my Endometriosis. I was going to delete it, its the side of me I try not to show, but the whole point of this blog is to be honest...

Dear Endometriosis,

Today you let me down again. Its not the first time and it won't be the last time. Today you made me angry. Today you made me cry. Not because of the physical pain you put me through but because the impact you are having on my life.

Today I was told I couldn't do something at work because my body still needs time to heal after the surgery. The surgery I had to have because of you. The surgery I will have to go through multiple times in my life because of you. It means I've let my team down. It means I've missed out again. I know people will think I'm being irrational and overreacting but I was dreading that this would happen, and it is happening because of you.

I'm not just angry at you, I'm angry at them too. I know my limits, I know I can do these things. They tell me its best for me but what about what I want. I was worried when I decided to be open about my situation that it would make people question me. Thats the last thing I want. I just want to live my life. 

Haven't you already taken enough from me without this too?








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