Some Days It Creeps Up On You

I knew I wasn't completely myself when I woke up this morning. You know when you just know?! So when I got a text this morning announcing someone I knew was pregnant, it wasn't a huge surprise when the tears started falling down my cheeks.

Its the first time I've cried when hearing the news of a pregnancy. I've written previously about how hard it is but I've never actually cried. But this morning the tears wouldn't stop. It stopped being about the other person and all about the sadness for myself. The fact that they had what I was never going to have. The fact that it had happened to me. The fact that right in that moment I felt alone with my sadness. And then I felt guilty. Guilty that I had made it about myself. Guilty that I was crying over what is the happiest news for them. Guilty that I had so much to be grateful for. Which of course then led to more tears.

It didn't last long. I needed to cry but I wasn't going to let it rule my day. So after 20 minutes of tears, I picked myself up, reapplied my makeup and decided to get on with my day. My eyes were red and sore. They still are. And I haven't felt my best for the rest of the day. To be honest, it did set the tone for the day. I've felt low. I know its just hormones but today I just needed a hug and to be told its going to be okay.

Some days it just creeps up on you. And today it did to me.

A x

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Womb-less

Image
Well, here we are 3.5 weeks post "the big op". 3.5 weeks since I lost a part of me. 3.5 weeks since my world changed. But most importantly, 3.5 weeks since my journey to living again started. The day itself came round very quickly. The months notice I had went by in a flash, and before I knew it, I was laying in the hospital. I started my op prep a couple of days before the big day, it was as unpleasant as I had expected. The bowel prep was certainly more aggressive this time, lasting right up until 10 mins before I went down for surgery and it's safe to say I felt utterly rotten. I felt so sick the morning of the op. I was sitting on my bathroom floor next to the toilet thinking oh my goodness, I can't go, I can't leave this bathroom let alone the house. Sheer panic had a hold of me and my anxiety had me sat frozen, pleading with myself to move. It was the toughest battle I've ever had with my own brain before an operation and between you and me, I truly didn
Read more

30th June

Image
It was the day I had been waiting for, and as my phone rang with a familiar number, my tummy churned and I quickly answered. "Hello" "Hello is that Amy Hook?" "Yes speaking" "Hi Amy, I'm calling from the Gynaecology department at Colchester Hospital, I have a date for your operation.". As many of you know, I have been on the wait list for a hysterectomy with excision of endometriosis since last June. It's been a long wait but one that I knew I had to be patient with. In my mind, I thought the end of the year or maybe even the beginning of next year was most likely for the op. I had plenty of time. So when the lady went on to say "Is the 30th June okay for you?" I was left a little speechless and I found myself simply replying with "Wow, so soon?!".  So here I am 4 days later, and 5 weeks out from the operation, writing my next blog post whilst on a plane home from a few days in Berlin for work. I feel so many emotions
Read more

"How are you feeling?"

Image
I've been doing pretty good. A month has passed since my last post and recovery has continued in the right direction. Physically I've healed amazingly, mentally I've been doing well too. But today I've wobbled. Next week I return to work. I know!! Where has that 9.5 weeks gone?! I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. I'm actually surprisingly anxious about going back. I was thinking it was just the typical anticipation about what I'm going back to and how I may feel with the tiredness that I still have after my op. But today, I've been feeling quite emotional, and as I sat thinking it through, it dawned on me. I'm not sure it's anything to do with work itself, I think it's because it's "normal". Everything returns to normal when I go back to work. Right now I'm on medical leave, still connected to the hysterectomy, protected in this little bubble. But as of Monday, I'm back to normal life. Except, it's n
Read more